Phil Scott: Playing the Gay Card
With the government intent on keeping the gays separate, Phil Scott has a novel way of weeding out the fabulous from the rest.
We are edging closer to marriage equality, taking two steps down the aisle and one step back. By the time we finally get to the altar, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott will be too dead to care. Julia will be wafting around as an atheist ghost, planting gremlins in Kevin Rudd’s computer, and Tony will be busy dealing with the eternal flames of Hell.
Meanwhile, there are still politicians who hope to please everybody with a civil union bill. They would let gays marry, so long as we don’t call it marriage. How is that equality? When we fuck it’s still called fucking, isn’t it?
Civil unions won’t please anyone. They place us in a separate category, and a lot of us are sick of that. Also, whatever the compromise, Christians will never be truly happy with it. They miss the old bonfires. Personally I’m a bit wary of gay Christian groups. They’re like those dog owners who claim that not all Rottweilers are dangerous. Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean I want to surround myself with Rottweilers. Like Christians, they’re bred to attack.
We know what happens when gay relationships are only partially recognised. Look at Centrelink. Older gay couples who fessed up to having deep feelings for each other had their individual benefits taken away, replaced by a lower couples payment. And what else did they get? Only shafted. They still couldn’t call themselves married.
Well it’s not good enough! If the powers that be are going to put us in a separate category, they should commit to it. I therefore announce the introduction of a Gay Card. It will be laminated with the Grindr pic of your choice, and fit neatly into any wallet or handbag. When you use it you will be identified as Gaaaay and get all sorts of special deals.
Fabulous! Tell me more. What benefits will I get with my Gay Card?
• You can use it at any of our pink ATMs, and it won’t link to heterosexual bank accounts.
• A Gay Card will swipe easily down a rent boy’s butt crack for payment. (Don’t let go or you’ll never see your card again.)
• With a Gay Card, you will be automatically upgraded to Business Class on any Australian airline. This benefit is already in operation.
• Presentation of your Gay Card at any bar means you can drink from glasses made of real glass, and you can have as many shots as you like. Because gays are not the problem.
• You will gain automatic entrance to any event featuring a diva, an icon, a legend or Trevor Ashley.
• You will be eligible to win sensational prizes in our Frequent Poofter Points Program.
• Your Gay Card has all the properties of regular credit cards, with an extra hard edge to chop up powder.
• Your Gay Card says something very special about you. It says: “I am a mature adult, I know who I am, and I’ve worked through that adolescent phase of not wanting to label myself.”
• A Gay Card will get you out of any stuffy closet in seconds.
• Every card includes an active gaydar chip. Or passive, if you prefer.
• You may add one fag hag’s name to your card and she will receive equal benefits.
• With a Gay Card you will pay less tax. Why? Because the Gay Card means you’re part of a recognised minority, and minorities receive special treatment from the government. You’ll pay the same tax as before, but now you’ll qualify for the Second Class Citizen Rebate!
• No fiddly renewals. Once you’re Gay, you’re Gay for life.
So sign on the bottom! Get with the program now, and next time you’re out, play the Gay Card!!
Wait. Am I kidding? This government can’t even organise a simple Travel Card. Forget it.
About the Author
Phil Scott has written four gay novels, but is best known as an actor, pianist, composer and writer for the Sydney Theatre Company's annual Wharf Revue, and as a cabaret performer. Phil was a script writer on Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Musical. On the side he reviews classical recordings for the ABC magazine Limelight. He is legally bald.