Aug04

'Not tonight, I've got a headache'

CREATED ON // Monday, 04 August 2014 Written by // Barry Lowe

What gay men say when they don’t want sex and what they really mean. By Barry Lowe.

You’ve probably seen the story and the spreadsheet that one man kept of his wife’s excuses for not having sex with him – it went viral. Needless to say, a woman (not the man’s wife) compiled a similar list against her husband just to even the score.

What it mainly revealed was that hets are rather mundane in their excuses, and that people everywhere don’t ever seem to be getting as much sex as they desire, especially if they’re married (and faithful). In the interests of equal time for gay men, I did a totally non-scientific vox pop of friends and acquaintances, attached and unattached, to discover their most interesting passion killers.

In no particular order, here are some of the highlights that are fit to print.

10. ‘I can’t, the dog is watching.’

Main complaint of one-night-stands who definitely do not like the idea of their trick’s dog/cat/possum/wombat in the same room while they get their rocks off. It seems poor Rex will howl and scratch at the bedroom door if locked out while his master gets pleasured. This excuse is a variation on…

9. ‘Hell, no, your mum’s in the next room.’

Very prevalent when parents come to stay and the boyfriend is so loud that a noise abatement order has been issued on the apartment.

8. ‘Is this lube organic?’

If you didn’t smell the patchouli oil or notice that every article of his clothing was a variation of the colour orange, then you shouldn’t pick up men while your libido rules your common sense. If you’re still interested, then the correct answer to the above question is, “Of course, scented with the spring thaw of the southern Himalayan ice melt and personally blessed with the Dalai Lama’s chakra”.

7. ‘I’m allergic to latex.’

Although a genuine condition, chances are this guy only does bareback.

6. ‘Sorry, I’m too sore.’

All too common. Can be the result of a brand new tramp stamp on his butt cheek, or the fact he’s just come home from a party at which he was ass-tagged by most of the guests. Less likely is that he’s just had an operation for piles. Least likely, you’re hung like a horse and you’re asking for seconds.

5. ‘The 400-metres relay is on TV.’

The excuse most common during major sporting fixtures such as the swimming events at the Olympics or the Commonwealth Games, the World Cup, World Championship Wrestling, or beach volley ball championships. Horse racing, American football, or baseball means he’s really into sport and probably straight.

4. ‘You go and get set up, I’ll be in after QI.’

You might as well take yourself in hand as you’ll be asleep before he joins you. Stephen Fry is definitely not an aphrodisiac.

3. ‘How long have you been bald?’

A real turn off when his hair comes off in your fist as he’s going down on you.

2. ‘Did you know Jesus visited America?’

You suddenly realize the two cute guys at the door are Mormon missionaries not the hot studs you just propositioned on Grindr.

1. ‘Sorry, this has never happened to me before.’

We’ve all been there.

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Barry Lowe

Barry Lowe

Barry Lowe writes about sex so he won't forget what's it like. When he's not scribbling his adventures for SX¸ or out doing field research, he's writing about its wonderful variations for a series of smut eBooks, novels and anthologies.

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