My big throbbing add-on
Now you can upgrade your sex life by upgrading your sex toys, writes Barry Lowe.
If, as the old proverb would have it, necessity is the mother of invention, then I wonder what the father of invention is. Probably something to do with the penis. In this tech-savvy world where reality and personal relationships are increasingly tenuous and sexual gratification has less to do with actually leaving your home, it was only a matter of time before the good folk at Fleshlight® came up with a number of inventions to help you stay in (so to speak).
My personal Fleshlight® is moulded from the butthole of pouty famed porn superstar Brett Everett, but do I feel a personal connection with him as I’m riding his SuperSkin™ facsimile? No, I don’t. Perhaps, I could always purchase (for less than $US100) a Shower Mount to bracket the Fleshlight® to the wall for that early morning glory as I wash. Still, a little impersonal unless I tape a waterproof pic of gorgeous Brett to my bathroom tiles. Ditto the Top Dog or On a Mission Mount which is a black box pillow with the sex appeal of a…well…a lounge room cushion, although it has versatility as it’s ‘wipe-able’ and ‘also includes the patented microfiber base for non-skid use’.
For those personal moments when you’re having a wank call with your beloved or even with a total stranger via your smartphone or mini-tablet there’s the PhoneStrap™ which leaves both your hands free to pleasure yourself while watching what your partner is up to. Just a word of caution: always ensure your caller ID is activated – the last thing you want is to take a call from your mum while engaged in extracurricular activity.
My favourite invention though has to be the new Fleshlight® LaunchPad™ which is ‘the ideal companion for iPad®’. (Please note how corporations are trademarking sex). It’s essentially a flexible cradle for your tablet which allows you to watch porn or else converse with a loved one while the Fleshlight® is strapped beneath the device for greater satisfaction. So, now I can be snug inside the facsimile of Mr. Everett while watching him in action in glorious colour and surround sound. The thrust action might be a bit nausea-inducing for someone who’s watching at the other end but it means no more lonely Saturday nights while Wally is out visiting friends, no more sad nights of rejection at the steam baths, now I can get up close and personal with whomsoever I like.
Admittedly you could always do that as long as you had a tablet, a laptop, a desk top or a mobile, but never before with this much versatility unless you shoved your Fleshlight® between the mattress and the bed base while you kneeled on the floor. This new invention takes the impersonal out of masturbation. You can share with friends. Conference call your fuck buddies for a safe sex spunkfest. Hell, you don’t even have to shave or douche.
Perhaps, though, we’ve taken sexual technology too far. It’s a bit sad when one of the reviewers of the new device admits, “I get out my LaunchPad whenever my wife goes out of town. Now I wish she’d leave more often. This thing is amazing!”
Find out more about Fleshlight upgrades here