When Men Become Victims of Violence

Reporting incidents of assault can be difficult for many men who often feel shame and guilt. But, as one male victim tells SX, it’s important to speak out against violence and homophobia. Here is his moving story. 

It was just a regular night out for Thomas*.

On Wednesday, January 4, the 42-year-old flight attendant was out with friends in Darlinghurst and Kings Cross, visiting several popular venues on Oxford Street. Drinks were purchased, stories were told, laughter was shared. A good night it was turning out to be.

“They then said goodbye to me outside the Oxford Hotel and that’s when I walked down to Forbes Street,” Thomas tell SX. “Everything was pretty much normal.”

As he started the short walk home to his Kings Cross apartment, Thomas was then called out to by a good-looking, well-built, blond man with a Caesar haircut, aged in his late 20s to early 30s, who was sitting in a parked car.

He offered to give Thomas a lift home.

Thomas rebuffed the man’s advances but relented when the man suggested that he was only interested in giving out his phone number.

Thomas gave the man his phone as he took a seat on the passenger side, but remained wary of the situation, leaving the door open and his feet on the street.

It was then the man’s true intentions were made clear.

Without warning the man struck out at Thomas with an open palm, hitting his head and smacking his right eye before administering a neck grapple and indecently assaulting him.

“To be grabbed by somebody and to have all your power taken away from you for that moment – it’s terrifying to know that you’re not in control of that moment,” Thomas says.

Thomas fought off the man and managed to struggle away but not before the man taunted him with his mobile phone which he had left behind in the car.

'Fuck you,' Thomas said. He didn’t want to risk any more attacks in getting his phone back.

As the assailant’s car sped down Forbes Street, Thomas witnessed two people quickly get in.

The magnitude of the assault began to hit home.

“I still now wonder if I hadn’t got away what would have happened to me,” Thomas says. “That makes me shiver. I know you can’t live with what could have happened, or what was going to happen but knowing that two other people were waiting scared me.”

The incident left Thomas bruised, confused and in shock; so much so that for a number of hours he could not quite recall being the victim of a violent and indecent assault but instead thought that he had fallen out of a moving car while on the way to a party.

Since the attack, he has been plagued by anxiety, guilt, sleepless nights, constant bad dreams and has had to take annual leave from his job.

“It didn’t really hit me until about a week after it happened. The bruising – I thought that I was only bruised on the outside – but I was pretty messed up on the inside.

“I attacked myself just like the perpetrator attacked me, I bashed myself up on the inside thinking what could have happened and how I got involved in such a position.”

Psychologist Paul Martin, from Brisbane’s Centre for Human Potential, tells SX that people involved in such an incident may suffer from Acute Stress Disorder as their minds attempt to compute the series of events leading up.

“It is very difficult for men to think of themselves as being a ‘victim’ so many will distort the way they think and start to believe stories their minds tell them which can include that somehow it was their fault,” Martin says.

“This is sometimes more palatable than thinking that they were powerless, vulnerable and victimized.”

Martin says that the brain is hardwired to process trauma through communicating about it or expressing emotions.

“If this doesn’t happen you can start experiencing fears that can include sex, men, dark places and losing control,” he elaborates.

“The protective side of the brain then goes into overdrive mode and the fear settings get turned up too high. This can result in always looking over your shoulder, becoming quite jumpy and easily irritated.”

Thomas tells SX that it was difficult for him at first to leave his apartment in the days after the attack. He says the intervening weeks have been just as hard.

“I was laying on the lounge just now, and I still have visions of that guy grabbing me ... Even last night, I had the worst sleep. Really bad dreams, not of the event but just bad dreams in general,” he says.

The attack has also caused some friction among Thomas’s circle of friends, with some seemingly blaming him for putting himself in danger.

“I believe it’s because they see themselves in my bruises as they all know that they’ve been in a similar situation at some stage in their lives but they’ve been lucky that nothing has happened,” he says.

Robert Knapman, from ACON’s Anti-Violence Project, tells SX that such a reaction from friends can be common.

“One of the most valuable things to do if someone tells you of their experiences is to listen to what they tell you,” Knapman says.

“You could offer to support them by asking what kind of support would be most useful to them right now.”

With more and more people expected to head towards Oxford Street as this year’s Mardi Gras slowly gets into swing, Surry Hills Police Commander Tony Crandell says that Thomas’s story is of great concern to local police.

“Being a victim of crime has nothing to do with bravado or weakness. The response of this man as a victim of crime is not uncommon. Reducing fear associated with reporting crimes is a particular focus of all police at Surry Hills,” he tells SX.

“Every police officer at Surry Hills understands the philosophy of protection and support for people that fall victim to crime as is the case involving this poor man.”

For Thomas life is slowly moving on. He has filed reports with NSW Police. In past days, he has ventured out with friends and has his first session with a counsellor this week.

And perhaps most significantly, he is sharing his story as a message to gay men and others to not be afraid to report such instances of sexual violence.

“The best advice that I can say to anyone in such a situation is that no means no. The second thing is people should report it,” he says.

“I don’t think I’ll let my guard down so much. Behind every smile isn’t always a good person.”

* Names have been changed | Image used for illustrative purposes only

WHERE TO GET HELP

ACON’s Lesbian and Gay Anti-Violence Project: (02) 9206 2116 or 1800 063 060. Go to www.acon.org.au/anti-violence

The Gender Centre's Transgender Anti-Violence Project: 1800 069 115. Go to www.tavp.org.au

NSW Rape Crisis Centre: 1800 424 017. Go to www.nswrapecrisis.com.au

Police Assistance Line: 131 444

Lesbian and Gay Legal Rights Service (a program of the Inner City Legal Centre): (02) 9332 1966 or 1800 244 481

Victims Support Line and Victim’s Services (24-hour phone counselling, support and referral service): (02) 8688 5511 or 1800 633 063. Go to www.lawlink.nsw.gov.au/vs

NSW Police have a new sexual assault reporting option for victims of sexual assault where information is provided to police, without the matter being formally investigated. Go to www.police.nsw.gov.au